Wewiggins’s Weblog

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Not Mine…

on January 7, 2016

“No, Asher. That’s my dog. I didn’t say you could have it.” 

My nine year old son, Bailey tends to be pretty calm with his two year old brother. I listened on from the next room as he attempted to convince his little brother of this fact. It was true. While this robotic toy dog was super cool with it’s barking and flips, it was not his. But he wanted it. He wanted it so badly that tears fell and screaming began. Time for Mommy to intervene. 

“This does not belong to you, Asher. You need to give it back,” I instructed. Helping a two year old to see reason is rarely easy. It’s so hard to put something down when you want it so much. As his mom, I know it’s the right thing and in his best interest for me to allow the pain he is feeling now so we can avoid bigger issues later. 

I suppose that is how my therapist felt as she held a basket of bracelets in front of me and said to take several. They are simple bracelets that say not mine. She asked me to wear one as a reminder. This reminder is not of when physical belongings are not mine, though it could be. These bracelets are to remind me when a feeling or reaction does not belong to me. 

  
I have struggled with ownership of feelings often in my life. Two big times come to mind. There was a time when having children did not come easy to my husband and I. It was difficult to hear many of the statements made by others. My Facebook feed seemed overtaken with pictures of children. I wanted them. They were not mine. And then the status update that every mom makes. I just want a day of peace. Or child for sale or free! It’s a pretty hard thing to hear, a parent (which you dream of being) wishing to be rid of his/her child for a moment of peace. We all know this is just an outcry of frustration. The childless person who dreams to be in this situation sits hurting, wishing it were her. NOT MINE…

This statement hits hard still today, not because I am childless but a grieving parent. I wish with all that I am for one more smile, hug, kiss. I wish for one more sleepless night of feeding pumps and alarms, blowouts like most have never seen, ER trips, and missed meals. I wish for one more second of her here with me. Just one. NOT MINE…

In a way I am similar to my two year old wishing for “mine.” Yet it is not to be. I cannot change that it was difficult for me to have children. I cannot change that my daughter was born sick and died. But I can learn that when something is not mine to give it back. Put it down. 

You see, once I did become a parent I found myself making those same comments that hurt me before. I did not intend to hurt anyone. I was expressing my feelings for that moment in my life, just the same as those who inadvertently caused me pain. The choice is mine. I can let hurt and darkness consume me, or remind myself it is NOT MINE. This person’s journey is NOT MINE. His or her emotions are NOT MINE.  They do not belong to me and I cannot control them. What I can control is me, my emotions, my reactions. The pain of losing my daughter will always be present. But I am learning that the sting hurts a bit less when I am able to put down the hurt attached to what is NOT MINE. 

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2 responses to “Not Mine…

  1. Heather says:

    Your words…simply inspiring!
    Your strength…simply inspiring!
    Your fight for life…simply inspiring!
    You…simply inspire Me!

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