Wewiggins’s Weblog

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on December 31, 2015

I should be sleeping, but cannot. My mind is wandering through a journey filled with fear and panic. I’ve been on this journey for a while, but the anxiety grew stronger once Christmas came. You see, as the rest of the world prepares to ring in the New Year, I am overcome with grief.  I am reminded that last New Year’s Eve was the last celebration spent with my sweet daughter and we were not blessed with many celebrations before that. 

While the rest of the world prepares a new year’s resolution, I am preparing to relive the moment that my daughter was admitted to the hospital, her second (okay maybe first home) for the final time. I will spend nearly two months reminded of the fight she gave and the battle she lost just after Valentine’s Day 2015. I will relive every decision, every moment, every alarm.

As everyone else raises a glass to toast in what will come, I am reminded of what will not. There will be no shopping trips with my baby. We will not buy prom dresses. We will not go to concerts. I will never see her twirl in a dress or hear her belt out her favorite tune. This mama will not teach her daughter how to curl her hair or put on make up. I do not get to see her stand on her daddy’s feet and smile while he dances with her. I no longer get to see her brothers stand firm to protect her. 

My heart aches at all I will miss out on. Still I press forward walking this journey through grief knowing that even in the deepest sorrow joy can be found. It’s hard to admit sometimes. Joy and blessings have come out of the most heart wrenching experience in my life. I have met friends that would never have crossed my path had my daughter not passed away. I have learned to breathe in the life of my sons, to cherish each moment. Yet sorrow remains. As I watched my boys excitedly open gifts this Christmas I was reminded of my daughter’s absence. 

I will not be declaring a new year’s resolution for 2016, but instead will be setting goals. The first one will be to rely on friend’s and family to help me through the next two months. I know that I cannot walk this part of my grief journey alone. 

So as you you prepare to toast in the new year, please also prepare to show a grieving person some love. Walk with them through their journey. Reach out and pick them up off the floor.  

     
 

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