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Fear will rob you if you let it

on June 6, 2015

Many of my recent posts have been about the raw heart wrenching final moments of my daughter’s life. Today, I want to share a little about Audrey’s first days and the gratitude I have for our complete medical team. You see, this morning I learned of Baby Doe and my heart broke, not just for this sweet child, but also the misguided parents. You can read the story here:

I’m going to step all the way back to my pregnancy with Audrey and her twin, Asher. We knew two babies were in my womb from the moment of conception. Josh loves to tell people that he didn’t touch me. The truth is, he held my hand while an incredibly compassionate doctor we sought out medically placed our “Twiggins” inside of me. It had been a long road filled with emotional and physical pains , as well as fear. What began as fear that I would not become pregnant changed into fear that I would not stay pregnant. I began to see a high risk OB who monitored my pregnancy and handled my nervousness well. He was the person who first informed us of a potential issue. Our baby B was not practice swallowing. Doesn’t seem like too big of a deal, right? But the fear began to grow rapidly, especially after consulting Dr. Google (not recommended). Our actual physician displayed much more knowledge and compassion. We were transferred to a specialist and eventually a children’s hospital where baby B, known as Audrey by this point, received a prenatal diagnosis of esophageal atresia/tracheoesophageal fistula. This was confirmed at birth followed by confirmation of several congenital heart defects and Down Syndrome. Fear.

Our daughter would require several life saving surgeries. Fear. We knew nothing about Down Syndrome. Fear. Life as we knew it was changing. Fear. Fear…. FEAR! This journey was full of that four letter F word. We all have a choice when faced with fear, allow it to motivate or debilitate us. I started this journey debilitated to the point of terrified jitters and emotional break downs resulting in a concerned caution for all people around. So many people reached out in support and attempt to ease my fears. My biggest fear was my daughter’s life ending. One nurse sat with me in the dark hospital room with her arm around my shoulders as my body trembled and I shed tears over Audrey being diagnosed with Down Sundrome. She handed me tissues and resources. Another reminded me that Audrey was still a baby and taught me how to arrange the many wires in order to change her diaper.  A doctor shocked me into the reality that my daughter was blessed to be alive. Slowly, the medical staff and friends pulled me from the depths of despair to a level more manageable. Yet, fear continued to lurk in my thoughts. 

I started to notice other NICU patient rooms and the lack of family or visitors. Until then, it had not occurred to me that some parents may choose to walk away from this life, this child that God had chose to bless them with. I am not writing this to say they were right or wrong. Only they can decide that. I simply want to say that it is an option unlike the recommendation Baby Doe’s parents received. If you read the article you will see that my daughter and Baby Doe shared similar diagnosis. I am so thankful that we had supportive family, friends and a medical team who helped to motivate us through the fear of unknown, who helped us show love and compassion to our beautiful daughter, our blessing. I am thankful that a picture on the NICU wall of a beautiful little girl who just so happens to have Down Syndrome opened my eyes to the beautiful life she lives and the possibility for my little girl to live that type of beautiful life. I am thankful for those who have walked a similar path and shared the victories with us. Stripping away that fear allowed our family to embrace Audrey, to learn from her and to enjoy loving her fully. That has been a true gift. Her journey may have been challenging and short, but it was also filled with love and joy. It was worth it. Worth every sacrifice. Worth every tear shed then and now. Worth it all. She was worth it. And I am thankful that our medical team thought she was worth it, too. Fear could have robbed our family of a beautiful treasure. Thankfully it did not.



One response to “Fear will rob you if you let it

  1. taleen says:

    Unbelievabley worth it! PRAYERS.

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