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Living Love

on June 4, 2015

There I sat, finally in a place of complete love and acceptance of my daughter’s medical challenges. Her life would be different, but I was fully prepared and ready to set mine aside for hers. Our vacations would be less of tropical islands and more vent camps. I was finally ok with that plan. That is when God clearly asked for me to let her come back to Him. I had visions of when He asked Abraham to sacrifice his only son in Genesis Chapter 22. There was no fire or alter as in the biblical story. But our only daughter who we prayed so hard to come into our lives lay on the hospital bed connected to more machines than a private room could hold. We did not want to let her go. We prayed that God would be clear and show us His plan for her. And He did. As the medical team slowly turned the machines down her blood oxygen levels dropped. She could not even sustain them with a ventilator doing the work for her lungs. I pleaded with her to fight harder, but her little body was tired.

On folded knees, I leaned down to her ear and choked out the words. “It is time, Sweet Girl. Do not be afraid. Some of Heaven’s best will come to meet you. They’ll show you the way. I hear that it’s like a blink of the eye and then Mommy and Daddy will be there with you. Until then, I want you to find the most beautiful flower gardens. Find the lilacs. They are Mommy’s favorite. Dance and sing there, Audrey. Twirl in your dress. Let your pigtails swirl up and out. Mommy will find you there. I love you. I love you. I love you….”

Those were my last words to my precious baby girl before she passed from this earth. Just days before I had wrestled with God. Why would He ask for her back after all that we had endured, all that she had come through? Many say that we may never know that answer. Yet, my heart says differently. Her job was done. She lived love. So many of us, me included, struggle to live a life filled with love. Our hearts may grow bitter and hard when we feel less love than we desire from family and friends. Yet, God does not ask to have such man made love be our focus. He called us to follow Him. When we follow Him, we live love.

1 Corinthians 13:1-3
If I speak in the tongues of men or angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possessor the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.

Audrey had a fierce love for others and herself. She fought through over 80 surgeries for her life. She learned to sing and dance. Even when she cried through pain or discomfort a smile was sure to break through. She forgave and forgot quickly. I am learning through the example of an 18 month old baby girl to love in that way.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Let’s face it, to love is not always easy. But it is always worth it! I miss my baby girl more than words can express. I long to see her chubby hands feeling her Daddy’s five o’clock shadow, the tilt of her head as her hands fold beneath her chin and the love in her eyes as she studied her brothers. I wish to feel her arms around my neck and smell her scent again. These are now just memories until the day we reunite. As I wait for that day, I will smell the lilacs and know that she is dancing, singing, twirling and waiting for me there. I will strive to live love, just as she did.



9 responses to “Living Love

  1. Amanda Wilson says:

    I am so sorry for your loss. It’s every mothers worst fear and it’s your reality. I am so glad you are a spiritual person. It’s the only way to get thru it. You have my prayers for comfort and strength.

  2. Karen Fish says:

    This is so beautiful. Just brings tears to my eyes. She was such a beautiful girl. I can’t imagine the pain of losing a child. I continue to pray for you and other who have lost a child. My heart breaks, but I know if you believe in God, he will be your comfort. Lean on him and he will see you through.

  3. Emily says:

    I don’t even know you but here I am crying so many tears for you as I can’t imagine the pain you are going through! I will pray for you and your sweet baby girl! My heart aches for you! Continue to pray for Gods strength to help you each day!

  4. Frances Joe says:

    This is the most beauyiful story. I am sorry for your loss, I know the pain you live with each day and night. I lost my baby boy an hour after he was born in 96 and then by little gril an hour in a half after she was born in 99 too. As I was trying to hold back the tears I thought of my sweet babies. I do have a middle son with down syndrome and he is the light of my life, the sunshine every moring he wakes up, and the love that he has tought me is unbareable. your little angle is beautiful and she will wait for you at the bed of lilacs as she will welcome you in as she dances and sings.

  5. Kerri Yelsik says:

    So beautifully written. I’m crying now as I cannot imagine the pain that you are going through. Your faith is an inspiration to me and it reminds me every day of how precious our lives are. Audrey is a beautiful angel, and she did live love, we all witnessed it on your Audrey’s Army Page. I continue to pray for you and your family. Thank you for sharing.

  6. Anita Layman says:

    May God bless and keep you and your family during this difficult time. My heart breaks for you. What a beautiful message you wrote. I will do my best to “live love” to honor your precious angel.

  7. I hold you all so very close in my heart and ask the angels to be with you and surround you with love and comfort…

  8. Angela O'Brien says:

    What a precious beautiful girl! Your words are beautiful as well. Prayers to you for comfort and peace!!

  9. Sandy Valencia (I am Karen Fish's mother) says:

    I suppose this is where the saying, “It is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all” applies. We don’t always understand God’s plan, but we must accept His purpose for each life. Perhaps your sweet baby taught you how to better love life and those around you. When praying, I asked God why someone had to die because we all loved her so much; and He said, “BUT I LOVE HER MORE.” We cannot comprehend God’s love, but He loves us so much more than anyone on earth…after all, He is the one who created us…each in our own unique way.
    Thank you for your post. May God give you comfort through this difficult time.

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