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Walking Backwards

on October 16, 2013

Our Twiggins were born just over two months ago. Last week Asher had a well child check. He is doing awesome at meeting his milestones and even making some jumps in the growth chart. Our little guy is no longer on the premie chart and wears big brothers hand me downs like a pro. Yay!

Speaking of big brother, his school is helping him with a pop can tab drive for the Ronald McDonald House of Ann Arbor. He made his first delivery over the weekend. Mom and Dad are so proud of how he is handling so much change right now. He has a heart for helping others. I hope he continues to as he grows.

Audrey is as beautiful as ever and has made friends with so many nurses, doctors and technicians at UofM. Everyone who works with her falls in love instantly and stops in to check on her frequently. Some have even been bringing her little gifts. In turn, we also love all of her doctors, nurses and technicians. Several of them have become an extended family of sorts. During Audrey’s last surgery I watched her primary nurse at the pre-op bedside transferring her vital information. She was so efficient. As she gave the information I noticed her eyes speaking. They spoke of her love for Audrey and worry over the surgery. I always believed that no person could love a child like her mother. I was wrong. The love that Audrey’s care team (especially her primary nurses) have for her is real and visible. They will fight to make sure she has the best care and medical decisions made. They know her personality traits, likes, dislikes and how to comfort her. They celebrate the little victories with us as they come and cry over the steps backward (which seem to happen all too often).

Lately, it has felt less like taking steps backwards and more like a full on walk backwards. This is something that Bailey loves to do. He will tell me not to worry that he will not run into anything, but I can see the obstacles approaching and shout, “watch out! You’re going to get hurt…” Sometimes he will turn around to face the obstacles head on. Other times he will continue on blindly. He may make it through untouched or with some bumps, scrapes and bruises. I imagine God has similar feelings to mine as he watches some of us walk through our journeys. He is there to guide us, but it is up it us to listen. At times we (His children) turn around and navigate through life’s obstacles. Other times we are defiant and attempt things on our own, backwards.

The passed few months have been extremely difficult for me. It has been overwhelming to adjust to this new life where I must care for two babies, pay attention to doctors and plans, keep chores up and have room for my other boys on the weekend. Some days I feel as though I am spinning uncontrollably, not sure which direction is even forward. And then Jesus will reach his hand out through one of you, my friends and family and show me the way. A doctor will crack a joke at just the right time or a nurse will bring in a surprise for one of my children. And then suddenly my internal compass redirects with an arrow pointing towards the good moments, the little victories. It is all too easy to focus on each step backward causing my soul to grieve and sending my compass arrow back into a spin. I am thankful to all of you who reach out with kind words, a card, prayer, gifts and thoughts to help us through such a strenuous time. You are a part of our care team. You are our friends and family, Audrey’s medical team and prayer warriors. You are the face of Jesus to us.

Galatians 6:2 ESV
Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.

Philippians 2:4 ESV
Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.

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One response to “Walking Backwards

  1. Janet Jackson Barnhart says:

    Christina, I have been following your page and watching the family grow! Beautiful family!! I want you to know Azzie and I continue to pray for your daughter every night and for strength for you, your husband and sons, GOD Bless you always!!

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