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Windex For The Soul

on September 10, 2013

Have you ever watched a storm through the window? If you’re like me you probably hide out under the stairs waiting to be sure a tornado doesn’t come through dismantling your home and carrying you or your loved ones away. Yeah, I go a little overboard sometimes. I have however noticed the windows after the storm. They are dingy from the dirt that settles in during the storm. We’ll get back to those dingy windows.

Our family is walking through one of the biggest storms in our life. Strike that. We are sitting, waiting, watching, praying, crying and screaming for the thunder and lightening to stop and the clouds to separate revealing a rainbow. Unfortunately, I’ve noticed the dirt settling in. My heart is becoming dingy. Why? Because everything here seems to run on a cycle. The good, bad, scary and down right terrifying. We have now been here long enough to experience the cycle several times. Some cycles are less traumatic than others, but not last night. Bare with me as I paint a picture (as Josh would say) for you.

One of my major stressors here is having to pump milk for both babies every 2 hours and hope that enough comes out. Last night I returned to Audrey’s room to see Josh completely stressed out working with the nurse to get Audrey calm. It was obvious that I had missed something. I assumed there had been more leakage from her G-tube since that seemed to be the ongoing issue for the last week. The medical staff had replaced it several times already. Each time Josh and I watched horrified to see my “liquid gold” spill right out on to Audrey’s bed. And each time I calculated how much time was wasted pumping or thought about poor Asher’s tummy which is not doing so well on formula supplements. Or maybe her heart was becoming a higher priority to fix. It could have been one of many issues that we keep watching our sweet girl fighting through. Can you see the dirt settling in?

After the nurse left the room I asked what I missed. Audrey had started coughing up her secretions which is a good thing. We do not want them to settle in her chest. However, she is still on the vent from her procedure one week ago. That means she cannot make a sound. She cries, but we can’t hear her. Well, the secretions started backing up into her vent tubing and caused her to get so worked up that Josh said she passed out. Her heart rate dropped for a bit. It was quite scary. By the time I arrived her heart and respiratory rates were elevated. It took some time to calm her. Needless to say I did not want to leave her room and head to the Ronald McDonald house last night. But Josh insisted I rest and he would stay with her.

Rest did not come. Asher kept me busy for the majority of the night. His tummy has not been feeling well with all of the formula he’s been getting. When he was calm I found myself staring out my window. I would look for the familiar blue light of the 8th floor NICU waiting area and count over three rooms. I pictured through those windows Josh standing at Audrey’s bedside watching our baby girl like a hawk for any sign if distress. And I imagined if anything were to go wrong all of the lights would suddenly flip on. So I sat and watched, waiting for what? For anything. Hoping for good. Dreading bad. Waiting. Sleep was not on the agenda. But Asher kept me company singing me his own song of discomfort. Wishing his mommy could make his tummy better. Me too, little buddy. More dirt getting in the creases of my soul and clouding my vision.

Morning came and with that was a text from Josh saying she was doing well and resting. Praise God for that! We were able to get cleaned up, eat breakfast and head back to Audrey’s room to see her. Today, they replaced her G-tube again. She did well with the procedure. The SWAT team came to wheel her down for an X-ray to check the tube placement. While she was gone I held Asher and focused on the dirty windows of her room. Large ropes were hanging just outside which meant the window washers would be cleaning them today unless it started raining like it did yesterday. Again, I found myself watching and waiting until suddenly Iron Man and Captain America dropped down into view and cleaned Audrey’s windows until they sparkled. That was so cool! Audrey had super heros clean the dirt from her windows!

Wait… That’s when I made the connection. I have a super hero who can clean the dirt from my soul and let me see clearly again if only I will let Him! If I can lay down all of these traumas, stress, burdens and fears at the feet of Jesus he will carry the load. Jesus is the windex for my soul! The rain will come again and dirt is sure to settle. All I have to do is call my super hero cleaner to see things clearly again.

This journey my family is on will continue to be difficult. I miss Bailey while he is at school horribly. I worry about Audrey and all of her procedures and medications. I’m even stressing over Josh being too stressed and Asher having formula. Your prayers mean the world to us. And we get through this by relying on Him for strength. Our super hero with windex for the soul. Thank you for continuing to support us. We have started a Facebook page called Audrey’s Army where you can see quick updates on a daily basis. Please, like and share her page and our blog. We want the prayers for her to be multiplied. Thank you!

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One response to “Windex For The Soul

  1. Mary Griffore says:

    Though Josh only knows me from Gladwin hospital board meetings, I have been reading your blog for the past few weeks and have you all in my prayers. Your entries tug at the heart, but also offer the readers strength and comfort. Thank you for allowing me to walk from a distance with you on this journey. Mary Griffore

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