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Replacing my fear with a dream

on April 20, 2012

It’s been a while since I posted.  Life is good.  Busy… but good. There have been ups, downs, gains, losses, tears and smiles.  You know… all of the things that make life interesting.  But most of all, the past few months have been about healing for me personally.  I have been carrying around emotional baggage for a very long time.  Some of it was old and I thought it had been laid down (only to be picked back up).  Other baggage was newer and fresh on my mind. 

 I found that this baggage was crippling me and preventing me from living the life that God wants for me and that I want for myself.  After much soul searching I am laying this baggage down!  I refuse to be crippled by fear of judgement any longer!  I will not live my life in a state of despair.  I cannot promise that my hand will not reach for any of my life’s baggage again.  In fact, I’m certain that it will.  However, I’m choosing to make changes in my life that will help me leave that baggage at the foot of the cross and live the life that my God has intended for me. 

I’ve found that I’m similar to so many people in the fact that my fear of judgement has overpowered my life dreams.  As a close friend puts it… I’ve been wearing masks and pretending to be the person I think everyone else wants me to be, at least partially.  With God’s help (and some from friends) I am putting that fear of judgement to rest.  I am going to chase my dreams.  So, drum roll please……

I have a dream of becoming an author.  Some of my close family and friends know about this dream.  Several years ago I heard God tell me to write a book.  Talk about pressure!  If God wants me to write a book it must be something really important!  But what is this book supposed to be about?  I kept thinking that it had to be a subject that would please everyone around me… God… family… friends… the church.  What would they all think? 

Six.  That is the number of stories I have attempted to write over the past few years.  Writer’s block became an issue every time.  Actually, it was the fear of criticism… of judgement.  What if I wrote something that offended someone?  Would they persecute me?  How would that affect me?  Well, the answer is yes.  I will offend someone.  I will receive criticism and possibly persecution.  So, how would that affect me?  The short answer is however I choose to let it.  My reaction is my decision. 

I continued to pray and ask God to guide my writing.  I asked him to tell me what the subject should be.  His resp0nse was silence. I attempted to write about my own trieals.  It just didn’t feel right.   So, I prayed more… and more… until finally he made it clear.  He wants me to write a book because I want to write a book.  He wants me to be happy.  And if that means writing a fiction novel that not everyone will love, accept or even support he is okay with that.   Now it was my turn to get okay with it. 

 So, here I am stepping out with complete vulnerability and announcing that I am writing a fiction novel.  I have researched the setting (which is in Michigan), developed the characters, and completed a plot outline.  The story is filled with emotion, suspense and is a bit of a thriller.  My goal is to have the novel complete by the end of the year.  It will be a challenge, but I seem to enjoy being challenged a bit!  And I have a great support network of family and friends. 

I’ll continue to give you little hints about the plot.  And for the very few of you who know…. SHHH!!!!  It’s a secret!  😉

So, today I leave you with words from the greatest author himself:

Psalm 37:4
Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart.

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One response to “Replacing my fear with a dream

  1. Shannon says:

    Christina:

    I am so proud of you and envious of your strength and courage! I know you have talked about writing for quite a few years now, and I’m excited to see how your story unfolds! I will continue to pray for God’s guidance on the direction of your story…and your life in general. We are excited to see you all when we’re back in July and hear how your progress is going!

    In my prayers…Shannon

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